"IF"

IF I had a friend?
and
IF she also happened to be the friend that my wife holds dearest in this world.
and
IF she were just told that she has cancer....again?
and
IF I thought I was qualified to share some wisdom with her?
and
IF I dared to hope that it may help her?
and
IF I could keep my own fears out of it?
and
IF she even wanted to hear it?

....what would I say....

I would say.

My dear, dear friend.  I love you.  I am scared for you, and for me because I care so much for you.  This does not seem fair.  Both that you have to face this again, and also that it is you, not me, having to deal with it..  I'm not sure how I would cope if it were me.  But it is not, and so I can choose to feel quilty about that or not.  Somehow that would be selfish.  So I choose to not burden you in that way.  Because this is not about me, it is about you.

And I know you!  Yes I see you, and I know you.  You can not hide the person you really are after being so open about yourself for as long as I have known you.

You are a fighter!  You have never had an easy road and maybe that is because you needed to be prepared for this difficult time.  As horrible as it sounds you are practiced at dealing with the worst crap life has to offer.  But you are a fighter and I expect no less from you now.  You once beat this illness and you will again.  I know this because beating the disease is not about the physical battle at all.  It is not about whether you get sick or even if you die. 

It is about your attitude.  It is about continuing to be the kind, decent person you have always been.  It is about continuing to be the devoted parent, the loving grandmother and the most giving friend I have ever had the privilege of knowing.  It is about continuing to be you!

I would also tell you to try not to worry about things too much.  The old adage about taking things one day at a time is doubly true when faced with a life crisis.  Things change so quickly in the field of medicine that todays death sentence, is tomorrows routine concern.  All that the doctors can really do is give you statistics based on the past.  And one thing I know for certain is that the past does not equal the future.  Also, when it comes to determing the length of our lives, the decision maker is not a doctor, he is not a priest and in fact it is not even ourselves.  The decision maker does not have an address on this planet.

I would also tell you my belief that the only thing you really have of value in this life is the relationships you build.  When I see you and my wife together in one of your little 'tete a tete' conversations I am always amazed.  If I were not so grateful for the friendship you have given her for the last 20 plus years I may even be a little jealous.  However the easy comfort you have for each other immediately dispels that.  As opposed to jealousy, the feeling that comes to me is one of gratitude.  I actually bask in the glow of the relationship that the 2 of you have.  I would tell you that now is the time to lean on that relationship.

...and so....

IF I had such a friend?

 I would offer her only the same thing she would offer Roo and I if the roles were reversed.  That is our unconditional, and unlimited love and support, in whatever form that may take.   For her to access anything that is within our power to provide, all she would have to do is make the need known.

"IF you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
IF you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
IF you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same

IF you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the will which says to them: 'Hold on'; "---Rudyard Kipling

"IF I knew then what I know now
I thought I did you know somehow
IF I could have the time again
I'd take the sunshine, leave the rain
IF only time would trickle slow
Like rain that melts the falling snow.
IF only Lord if only"---Roger Whittaker

"Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul"---Jim Valvano

Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers.

Love
Peter