For some reason I usually get a little bit reflective at this time of year. It always sneaks up on me and I inevitably find myself about a week before Christmas feeling somewhat unsettled. After tossing it around in my head I had decided not to write about this unsettledness, and then at the last moment was somehow reminded that writing about my feelings was often exactly what I needed.
So here goes a brief analysis of why I think I feel this way. I suspect 2 major culprits.
The first one I suppose you could just call nostalgia. With the first bit of snow on the ground, and the seasonal decorations everywhere many powerful memories are triggered. I looked up nostalgia in the dictionary and I found "a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life". I find this really interesting because most of my nostalgic thoughts at Christmas are of my childhood, but perhaps even more surprisingly are often related to the religious pagentry of that time. Interesting because both my childhood and the catholicism associated with it generally bring only negative memories. I guess I should consider that a positive eh? I can tell you that there was never a painful Christmas in our house as a kid. Ever! Starting with midnight mass as a family, through the inevitable box of chocolates that the priest would give the alter boys (with no strings attached..lol...), through trying to get dad to sleep in for one stinking day of the year and letting us do the chores, through the present opening, through one more time to church, through Christmas dinner at noon, I have not one memory of a raised voice!! While I am sure there must have been a few, I am just as sure that they were never the voices of either one of my parents. Never! And truthfully, if there was even any hard feelings at Christmas between any of my siblings (all 12 idiots) I have no memory of it. Amazing really. Not a wonder I suppose that my nostalgia takes me back to that time? Maybe, just maybe, my childhood wasn't all that crappy after all! I'm pretty sure that there are at least a few people out there who would have traded places with me.
The second culprit I think I will call disillusionment and my dictionary check here netted "to be freed from or deprived of illusion,belief, idealism, etc". Hmmm. Why couldn't I be allowed to live with my illusions and my beliefs, my hopes, my dreams, my ideals, my wishes and wants, my goals and aspirations, my story as I had written it? Special occasions such as birthdays or anniversaries, weddings and christenings, even funerals tend to bring to mind the way you always thought things were gonna work out. Of course there are also the seasonal holidays, of which Christmas is the big daddy. Christmas is a time of family and as such it is the time that we are often reminded of what we thought our family would be like. I try not to fall into this wishing trap because despite the fact that things are different, they are not necessarily worse. Sure enough I wish that some things followed my plan better, but I can also say unequivocably that they are outweighed by the pleasant surprises, not the least of which live next door to me. I guess the disillusionment is just a selfish desire to have my cake and eat it too. I want all the pleasant surprises and the original dreams as well.
So I think that's it. I know that I am supposed to be grateful that I have a family that numbers in the hundreds, a good roof over my head, way too much to eat, and enough money to buy a few gifts but still I feel a bit reflective. I hope you will understand and forgive me. Maybe a few of you will even be able to relate.
In closing I can assure you of this. When the big day arrives, and all my children and grandchildren follow suit, and we do the gift exchange, and eat the turkey that I will cook personally, all of the nostalgia and the disullusionment will leave accordingly. I won't have to work at it!
(swim 30 mins, computrainer 30 mins)
"Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days."---Doug Larson
"People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around."---Anon
“Wisdom comes by disillusionment."---George Santayana (no relation to Santaclaus)
“The longer you stay in one place, the greater your chances of disillusionment".---Art Spander
Love
Peter
So here goes a brief analysis of why I think I feel this way. I suspect 2 major culprits.
The first one I suppose you could just call nostalgia. With the first bit of snow on the ground, and the seasonal decorations everywhere many powerful memories are triggered. I looked up nostalgia in the dictionary and I found "a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life". I find this really interesting because most of my nostalgic thoughts at Christmas are of my childhood, but perhaps even more surprisingly are often related to the religious pagentry of that time. Interesting because both my childhood and the catholicism associated with it generally bring only negative memories. I guess I should consider that a positive eh? I can tell you that there was never a painful Christmas in our house as a kid. Ever! Starting with midnight mass as a family, through the inevitable box of chocolates that the priest would give the alter boys (with no strings attached..lol...), through trying to get dad to sleep in for one stinking day of the year and letting us do the chores, through the present opening, through one more time to church, through Christmas dinner at noon, I have not one memory of a raised voice!! While I am sure there must have been a few, I am just as sure that they were never the voices of either one of my parents. Never! And truthfully, if there was even any hard feelings at Christmas between any of my siblings (all 12 idiots) I have no memory of it. Amazing really. Not a wonder I suppose that my nostalgia takes me back to that time? Maybe, just maybe, my childhood wasn't all that crappy after all! I'm pretty sure that there are at least a few people out there who would have traded places with me.
The second culprit I think I will call disillusionment and my dictionary check here netted "to be freed from or deprived of illusion,belief, idealism, etc". Hmmm. Why couldn't I be allowed to live with my illusions and my beliefs, my hopes, my dreams, my ideals, my wishes and wants, my goals and aspirations, my story as I had written it? Special occasions such as birthdays or anniversaries, weddings and christenings, even funerals tend to bring to mind the way you always thought things were gonna work out. Of course there are also the seasonal holidays, of which Christmas is the big daddy. Christmas is a time of family and as such it is the time that we are often reminded of what we thought our family would be like. I try not to fall into this wishing trap because despite the fact that things are different, they are not necessarily worse. Sure enough I wish that some things followed my plan better, but I can also say unequivocably that they are outweighed by the pleasant surprises, not the least of which live next door to me. I guess the disillusionment is just a selfish desire to have my cake and eat it too. I want all the pleasant surprises and the original dreams as well.
So I think that's it. I know that I am supposed to be grateful that I have a family that numbers in the hundreds, a good roof over my head, way too much to eat, and enough money to buy a few gifts but still I feel a bit reflective. I hope you will understand and forgive me. Maybe a few of you will even be able to relate.
In closing I can assure you of this. When the big day arrives, and all my children and grandchildren follow suit, and we do the gift exchange, and eat the turkey that I will cook personally, all of the nostalgia and the disullusionment will leave accordingly. I won't have to work at it!
(swim 30 mins, computrainer 30 mins)
"Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days."---Doug Larson
"People seem to get nostalgic about a lot of things they weren't so crazy about the first time around."---Anon
“Wisdom comes by disillusionment."---George Santayana (no relation to Santaclaus)
“The longer you stay in one place, the greater your chances of disillusionment".---Art Spander
Love
Peter
I totally understand the nostalgia, the holidays always make me miss Mom and Dad and hearing from Tante Ida today made it better and worse. Love you
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